By Derrick Brown (follow on Twitter @dbrowndbrown)
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Knowing What I Do Not Know (1523 Words)
(51st Day of School — October 20, 2025)
By Derrick Brown (Join Our Mailing List!)
I. The Return to Rhythm
The weekend was gentle … a soft reprieve … but Monday called me back to rhythm.
The grind resumed … the cycle of instruction, patience, repetition, and restraint.
My body was rested … but my mind carried the memory of fatigue … and the silent prayer that each class would meet me halfway.
I began the week determined to test not only my students’ knowledge … but their integrity … and perhaps my own.
II. 1A – Boundaries and Blank Stares
1A tested today … and before the test began … I approached JW.
Our unfinished business from Thursday’s “tutoring” session still lingered.
I told him that I had learned he could register himself for tutoring … that he did not need me to sponsor him.
I asked why he had chosen to come to me instead of going directly to the tutoring center … and he looked at me blankly … saying nothing.
The silence was an answer … and I received it.
During testing … I adjusted my routines … inviting any student with questions to come to the front … to prevent the kind of false “tutoring” that disguises dependency as inquiry.
I needed to be both monitor and mentor … both visible and firm.
I saw too many phones … hidden in hoodie pockets and sneakers … companions of anxiety and temptation.
I heard the quiet hum of “shop talk” between desks … students testing one another’s resolve more than the exam itself.
I established what I call “situational compliance” … students quiet long enough to pass through a moment of peace … but not yet anchored in discipline.
I fielded AW’s “I am confused” … the magic phrase that precedes avoidance … and JV’s “What does this symbol mean” … the parallel lines staring back like irony.
I explained again that they had been given test reviews that mirror the actual test … and even the answer key … yet many had not completed them.
They wanted the results of effort without its evidence.
When the last paper was turned in … my head ached.
I had stood firm … but at what cost … and to whom?
III. 3A – Murmurs and Measurement
Third block arrived like an echo of Thursday.
I had already spoken through the gradebook … a silent reprimand written in numbers … and the room felt it.
The result was not remorse … but murmuring.
JahH, HW, KW, AS, and JL moved together … passive-aggressive … snark hiding insecurity.
Yet within the same space … JT, AW, DRM, DH, AM, and MSR maintained fine fellowship.
The class had divided itself into two energies … resistance and readiness … each teaching me something different.
I tightened boundaries … Chromebooks monitored … no snacks during class … simple structures that protect attention.
I told them about the PSAT … and asked what they knew.
Their answers revealed a familiar pattern … fragmented awareness … confidence without comprehension.
I explained that success on the PSAT … and in life … depends on self-honesty … on knowing what one knows and what one does not.
Geometry, I said, provides constant practice in that discipline … every problem a mirror reflecting one’s level of awareness.
MSR listened carefully.
She noticed that a “complex numbers” question might be too advanced … and labeled it one to skip … but still allowed me to teach her the process.
That willingness is teachability.
HW, on the other hand … approached with an exponential expression from Algebra 2 and asked derisively, “When did we learn this.”
I began to answer … “This is one to skip … let me show you” … but she turned away mid-sentence.
Her gesture became punctuation … a period that ended our conversation.
The rest of the class began to “divide and conquer” problems … their version of “cooperative learning” … efficient but ethically thin.
I reminded them that the PSAT will not permit whispered partnerships … that independence is the truest assessment of readiness.
I should not have to say it … but I did … because reminders have become rituals.
The headache that began in 1A returned … but I refused to repeat my mistakes.
I breathed … and managed the moment instead of mirroring its chaos.
Still … I left the room feeling as though I am learning to inhale toxic fumes … when I could be breathing fresh air.
IV. 4A – Freedom and Speech
Fourth block offered a gentler reflection.
I approached CK to follow up on her earlier comment “I do not know that Mr. Brown.”
She offered this as feedback to witnessing me address 4A’s work (ethic) during our Friday 10-17-2025 Quizizz review.
She said softly … “It was a lot.”
I asked … “How much was it supposed to be … and who gets to decide.”
She smiled slightly … understanding that freedom of speech carries its own restraint.
Our dialogue reminded me that liberty without listening is noise … and that discernment is the highest form of expression.
We are aligned … teacher and student … each learning to balance voice with respect.
Later … a message arrived from former student KM … who wrote to say she loved Mi Gente Day.
Her note closed the afternoon on a quiet note of gratitude … a whisper that reflection travels further than reprimand.
V. Patterns and Paradoxes
Across the day … a pattern emerged … each class revealing a different face of awareness.
1A tested my endurance … 3A tested my restraint … 4A tested my humanity.
In each encounter … I confronted the paradox of teaching while learning … of enforcing order while pursuing empathy … of guiding others toward honesty while wrestling with my own.
The phrase “knowing what I do not know” became the lens through which the day made sense.
I realized that many of my students cannot yet differentiate between misunderstanding and unwillingness … and that I sometimes confuse exhaustion with ineffectiveness.
Both are distortions of perception … both require reflection to correct.
VI. The Lesson Beneath the Lesson
Testing days reveal more than mastery … they expose culture.
Phones, chatter, sarcasm … these are not random disruptions … they are expressions of fear … fear of failure … fear of exposure … fear of learning something unflattering about oneself.
My challenge is to respond to fear with firmness that still feels safe.
When I require students to bring questions to me at the front … I am not simply managing behavior … I am modeling courage … the courage to step into visibility.
When I tell them that maturity means knowing what they do not know … I am preaching to both sides of the desk.
Teaching, at its most honest, is reciprocal revelation … students discovering content … teachers discovering capacity.
VII. Cost and Continuance
At the end of the day … I wondered again about cost.
I had stood firm in 1A … held steady in 3A … and restored trust in 4A … but each victory demanded a measure of spirit.
I left with another headache … but also with a clearer conscience.
The toll of endurance is real … yet the currency of growth is worth it.
I have accepted that my “A” days may not yield traditional instruction.
They are laboratories of self-awareness … places where I learn as much as I teach … perhaps more.
Each confrontation … each correction … each conversation refines my understanding of the profession I have almost outgrown.
VIII. Knowing What I Do Not Know
The phrase itself is both confession and compass.
It reminds me that ignorance can be instructive … that uncertainty can clarify purpose.
I know that I am nearing the end of one season … and that these days are teaching me how to leave without abandoning what matters.
I know that some students will understand later … long after I am gone … and that this delay is not failure … it is faith.
To know what I do not know is to stay curious about my own endurance … to recognize when silence is wisdom … and when speech is necessary.
It means listening to blank stares … and hearing what they will not say.
IX. Closing Reflection
Today taught me that learning is not always luminous … sometimes it is dull … like metal grinding against metal … a sound that irritates until it sharpens.
Knowing what I do not know is not weakness … it is calibration.
It is how I align myself to truth … when praise and pressure pull in opposite directions.
I am aware that I am in my last days of teaching … not because hope has died … but because purpose is changing shape.
These students, these tests, these headaches … they are chiseling the final contours of my professional identity.
Each day leaves its mark … and each reflection polishes what remains.
I will continue to learn what I do not know … and to teach what I do … until peace calls me elsewhere.
Selah.
(The "Follow The Leader (changED - Volume 2)" Audio and Video Album / Mixtape is also available at TeachersPayTeachers.com)
(The "changED (Volume 1)" Audio and Video Album / Mixtape is also available at TeachersPayTeachers.com)
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I am a “standup storyteller.”
I fuse rap, spoken word (poetry), oration (traditional public speaking), singing, and teaching into messages of hope, healing, and change that I write, direct, and produce to help people who help people.
Everything must change - and stay changED.
Tradition begins and ends with change.
Change begins with me and the renewing of my mind ... then continues through efforts to effect small-group discipleship (equipping others to equip others) with audiences that respect and embrace mentoring, mediation, and problem solving as tools of change.
I am the product of my mentoring relationships, peacemaking (and peacekeeping), and problem-solving ability.
My education began when I finished school.
After school, I enrolled in a lifelong curriculum that includes classes in ministry, entrepreneurship, stewardship, literacy, numeracy, language, self-identity, self-expression, and analysis / synthesis.
My projects execute a ministry that has evolved from wisdom earned through lessons learned.
I want to share this wisdom to build teams of "triple threat" fellows - mentors, mediators, and problem solvers.
We will collaborate in simple, powerful ways that allow us to help people who help people.
I now know that power is work done efficiently (with wise and skillful use of resources, interests, communication, and expertise).
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